i used to be suicidal. i used to wonder, “should i just run away and get a new start? or just shoot myself and it over with?” But I was too practical and I was in high school — I didn’t have money. Using pills would be too traceable and it’d take too much work to get them. Cutting myself up would be too slow. 

i wanted to escape. i felt trapped. there wasn’t anyone around me who had hope. No one else was encouraged, no one else had life. Everyone was in their bubble of depression. Worse yet, there wasn’t anyone i could tell, anyone i could be real with, with my emotion, my frustration, my confusion.

finding a relationship was also out of the question.. i knew it would end up in shambles. i knew it would be a temporary high. i knew i would be a broken and hurt person that would eventually break and hurt another person.

i wanted to skip all steps possible, and at that point, i felt like i was trapped in the steps of yesterday for the rest of my life. i knew there was another way, but i didn’t know anyone who lived like that. i knew there was so much more. i knew someone, somewhere, had real hope, a vibrancy to how they lived, not some fake hyped personality. i wished i knew someone who lived it.

that was over 6 years ago.

it’s been an interesting journey… but long-story short, i don’t struggle with any of that anymore.

ever.

period.

it’s possible.

i live it.

ups and downs? nope. always up, it’s not a feeling. 

encouraged one second, crushed the next? nope. i know hope. 

how did i get there? 

there’s a lot, but there’s one main thing. i stopped believing lies about myself. i stopped believing the lies that society/culture told me. 

i stopped believing that my sense of worth and significance was based on my past failures, even thought my parents tried to remind me that everyday. 

i stopped believing that the inherent value i had as a human being had anything to do with the grade i just got on my last test. 

i stopped believing that my actions yesterday determined my actions tomorrow, so i stopped identifying with how had i behaved yesterday and choose instead to let my identity define how i behave tomorrow.

no i am not depressed. no i am not frustrated. no i am not angry. no i am not hopeless. no i am not stuck at the bottom of the barrel. no, i am not just merely breathing and existing. no i am not just a worthless and insignificant. Yes, i definitely did feel that way yesterday. but i am not what i feel. i can break the cycle of what i feel. i can change. i can manage myself…

people can’t make me feel some way. you can’t make me angry. i might feel prone to anger if you say certain things, but i still have full control of whether i respond in anger or not.

you can’t make me get annoyed with what you just said. it certainly feels natural when you say it in that tone, or when you push that button… but i still manage myself. because if i get annoyed, that doesn’t change anything. actually, it usually makes it worse, so I’m going to choose to not get annoyed. I’m going to choose to not let myself react to life, I’m going to drive my life. I am more powerful that way. i am more happy that way. 

you can’t ruin my day. you can certainly be offensive, but you won’t necessarily offend me. 

you can try to reject me, but it’s ok, i wasn’t looking for your acceptance, I already have it from my Father. but the real reason why you reject people is because you feel rejected yourself. And because I know i’m accepted, I’m able to accept you. So now I can affect you instead of letting you affect me. 

I’m not looking for your love. I already have Someone Else’s. I am loved. So i love. I’m not going to die if you don’t love me, but I hope you can feel alive again because I’ll give you love. 

I don’t look for encouragement anymore. I am encouragement. 

Newsflash folks! Life is a positive feedback loop. 

The more you try to ‘get get get’ for ‘me me me’, you’ll end up disappointed, discouraged, depressed, distraught, and hoping to die. 

The more you look to ‘give give give’ for ‘you you you’, you’ll end up feeling liberated, full of life, focused on Love, and flooded with life-giving relationships. 

I’ve chosen to become hope because I started realizing that no one else has it. I decided to stop being a victim of circumstance, stop blaming my surroundings, stop complaining about what ‘ought to be’, and started affecting situations, influencing my surroundings, and becoming the answer and what ‘ought to be’. 

I stopped believing the lies running through my head, railing on and on telling me I’m at the end of the road, there’s no hope, people never change, I’ll never change, I’m not worthy, I’m not pleasing to God, I’m a hopeless case… NO. 

I chose to believe the truth of what my Father has said about me. I chose to believe the One Voice that kept saying, “Let me define you”, rather than giving to hundreds of other voices. I let Him rule my heart, I let Him define my life, replacing the hundred that were controlling mine. 

I believed it and I was freed. And then I became freedom.

I believed it and I received hope. And then I became hope.

I believed it and I felt alive again. And then I became life-giving to others.

I was finally encouraged. And then I became encouragement.

Who are you?